The Big Magic Fungi's Blog

Long time no see...

2010-08-08T19:47:00.000-07:00

So...it has been quite a while since I have blogged. Mea Culpa. There is no excuse.

Let me gear up for more regular posts. Let me talk about a few things...Mani/Pedi's and Patty's.

So'z yesterday I decided was a "me" day. Started off with 6 loads of laundry...been a while for that too! After 4 hours of wash, rinse and repeat I was finally done and STARVING. I thought I'd hit my favorite Brekky spot - The Pine Inn on Polk. Ok, the only reason they are my favorite is because they have hash browns and not under-cooked, paprika colored potatoes and that they serve biscuits and gravy. They do a pretty good waffle too...not one of those Belgian-y air puffs but a real, thin and crispy, nooky and cranny-y honest to god waffle. I normally get bacon...but wanted the other morning favorite - sausage. I love sausage in all forms but I adore sausage patties. I ordered my B & G with hash browns and two eggs, over easy and a sausage patty. "What?', Nancy asked. 'You know, a patty of sausage', I furthered. "Oh, we don't have that." OH NOES! That one refusal led me on a quest for Sausage Patties. I called 15 Breakfast Joints and found only one that served a Patty...but it was a VEGGIE sausage patty! WTF! That is why I implore you to write your local congressman and help me get the return of that perfectly golden brown, greasy patty of porky goodness back on our plates!

Undaunted by my patty-less breakfast I set out to my bi-monthly ablution; my Mani/Pedi. Yes, I get a mani/pedi every 2 weeks. EVERY man should. People hate ugly hands and nails...but moreover EVERYONE hates ugly feet. My usual place was closed for vacation so I decided to try one on Polk and Pacific...Union Nalis.

Well, I guess I was either the first man to ever ask for a mani/pedi there or the biggest man they have ever seen. I am leaning towards the former. This is a big place. 7 Pedi spas and each one had a Mani stand right next to it. All Full. They asked me to sit. I did and instantly 4 of them rose and huddled in a corner occasionally looking back at me. I swear to god they were drawing straws to see who got me. Ho won. She looked thrilled. A seat came up and I was escorted to it...Ho took my crocs and sox off and had me soak my sooties in they most perfect temperatured water.

As I was getting clipped, Ho was having a bit of a time with one of my Big Toes. She literally had to use two hands on the clippers to liberate the little bugger. Finally it hacked through and went sailing...I shit you not, SAILING through the air and landed in the hair of a woman 3 seats away! Ho looked at me...I looked at her, we both nodded in silence and she went about filing the offending toe. I have to say there were some amazingly beautiful women in there...who instantly took a liking to me. One even struck up a convo with me. We chatted back and forth for a while and I swear she even did the "twirling the hair" thing. She then uttered the words that instantly caused shrinkage - "so does your boyfriend get mani/pedi's too?" I laughed and said "no, I am actually straight." Now, the appropriate response from her would have been "really?" or "sorry" but no she said "oh, my bad...you just looked so gay." Needless to say...I was not inclined to continue our chat. She was done, got up and went to pay. I finished my session and went to pay my bill - $26.00 and come to find out she had paid my tab AND left her number. What a day! I might call.

Tis the Season...

2008-12-18T08:10:00.000-08:00

Well, it’s that time of year again when thoughts of credit limits, bargains and “do they really need that?’ fill our minds.

I have said it many times...and I’ll probably say it again...I really don’t like the holidays.

It’s not that I hate Christmas, I just despise all the trappings that come with it. I am disgusted that I saw Christmas Crap being put up before Halloween. Don’t get me wrong...I love the business that is Christmas. One of the busiest times of the year for me...and I was lucky to land a couple of really cool gigs that make it all the more lucrative.

I long for the days when all I wanted was a Big Wheel with PowerSlide Brake and a Stretch Armstrong. When we’d all pile into the car and head to Grandma’s uncomfortably hot house to spend EXACTLY 48 hours with family. Those days are long gone, as is most of the family.

For the last 10 years my Yule Tide traditions have been quite despotic. Christmas Eve I dress as Santa and head to my favorite embibery. I sit on a stool and drink Jameson’s all the while spreading Christmas Cheer, one shot at a time. Then it’s off to home...just in time for TNT’s 24 hour marathon of ”A Christmas Story”. For seven of those years I had Shemp...my faithful if not somewhat “special” sidekick. He too, is gone.

I know full well that this is supposed to be a religious holiday celebrating the birth of “What’s His Name”, but it was never that for me...even growing up. Now, as I have no interest in ANY organized religion it is even less of a Religious Fete but more of a “how many nuts can this squirrel stow away for the coming months?”

For some reason, I always end up getting dreadfully sick during this time too. As I sit here I am in a glorious NyQuil induced moment of clarity. Waxing poetic. STOP!

Anyway, on to business...

I am doing a “Family Friendly” Magic Show with some dear friends. We are running from December 26 - January 3. It is going to be a blast. I am pushing myself to create new routines and ditch my handy dandy bag of tricks. I do hope you gentle readers find the time to come see it...and me.

Here’s some info: www.magicinsanfrancisco.com

With my shameless whoring done it is now time for me to wish you and yours the best of Holiday Seasons. Really, I mean it!

When Traveling Abroad...or even as a Man! - Finale

2008-08-14T02:12:00.000-07:00

Well, ok...so my blogging skills were not quite up to par to take on a daily update of my activities in Scotland. So here’s a recap of my trip:

Holy CRAP! I love Scotland! First, they will fry anything and they do! Second, Whiskey is cheaper than beer...need I say more? Being the gastronomic daredevil that I am, I took it upon myself to try everything so that you, my discerning public, would be able to share in my successes and failures. Below is a brief list of the highlights and lowlights of my epicurean adventure.

Fish & Chips None better!
Deep Fried Cheeseburger Watch out Whopper!
Deep Fried Pizza Goat Hill has NOTHING to worry about!
Deep Fried Mars Bar& I imagine if you could fry Jesus, he would taste EXACTLY like this
Tattie Dog Hot Dog wrapped in mashed potatoes then deep fried
Haggis Vegetarian is way better than you would think
Scotch Breakfast(My way) One ice cube
Scotch Breakfast(their way) A plate full of salty meats - manna from heaven
Scones Bring me the head of James Beard
Monster Mash They serve bangers and mash from around the globe
Two Thin Laddies Food to die for, staff to lose ones heart to
Piemaker The only place to buy meat pies
Chinese Food Um...no, stick to salty meats
Well Hung Beef Totally as gay as it sounds, but they do meat right...so to speak
Cheese We Americans DO NOT know what cheese is

Ok...enough on the food.
(Sidenote - I actually lost 15 Lbs on this trip)

I have never worked so hard in my life! 8 to 12 shows a day, starting at 11am and ending usually somewhere around 3am. Street shows were mostly kick-ass, had some rain which dampened the spirits but not the fun. One of the best days was during a downpour many of the street performers and stewards were standing in the center of the Royal Mile when Pockets (of Pockets and Fox) busted out his Uke and played a blues riff and we all improv-ed the “Royal Mile, Rainy Day Blues”.

Met some really fantastic performers. James James, what can I say? He has weedled a place in my heart. Susie and Fergus...too god-damned cute for their own good. Pockets and Fox - Edinburgh’s answer to Wayne and Garth - Hard Rock on Ukulele’s. Elaine - the World’s most pierced person. Over 6000 on her body...but only 500 that you can see. Lili La Scala - Brings Diva-dom to a new level. Sophie, straitjackets have never looked so sexy! There are many more...but I could go on for days.

The Venue show - the reason I was there in the first place, was somewhat disappointing. For a show billed as Magic and Comedy, one would think there would be more than 15 minutes of magic in a one hour show; and that time was split between Big Al and myself.

Big Al and I, being who we are...were asked by the venue management to come back next year with our own show. We are seriously considering it.

Thanks to Kitten on the Keys, we were introduced to magician Paul Zenon who had his Marquee de Sideshow set up at the Spiegel Gardens. He took a shine to Big Al and me and asked us to perform in his shows - up to 6 nightly. He then created “The World’s Largest Magic Show in the World’s Smallest Spiegel Tent”, capitalizing on our sizes. We were the hit of the Garden. He also payed us a huge compliment - “ I hate magicians...but I love you guys”. I read minds and Big Al got naked and bobbed for condoms. We made an impression and helped Paul get his sideshow booked into the Melbourne and Montreal Festivals. Who knows, we may be joining him.

Scotland is a beautiful country with beautiful people and places. I am not one to take photos as I prefer to keep my memories mine. Next year, the camera will come out more - promise.

All in all, this was not a money-making venture...but one that is sure to be done again...and again...and again.

When Traveling Abroad...or even as a Man! - Part 1

2008-08-10T10:33:00.000-07:00

Here it is...

When Traveling Abroad...or even as a Man!

2008-08-08T07:35:00.000-07:00

Beginning Monday August 11, 2008 I will be Blogging/Vlogging from Edinburgh, Scotland and the Fringe Festival.

Check back daily to see what trouble I can get into.

This month's word...Serendipity!

2007-04-03T08:07:00.000-07:00

ser·en·dip·i·ty

–noun
1. an aptitude for making desirable discoveries by accident.
2. good fortune; luck

Call it what you will...Serendipity...Kismet...Fate...Luck...Good Fortune...they all have roughly the same meaning.

That meaning has never been so evident to me than in the past few weeks.

(Cautionary Note - in the following lines I will wax poetic!)

As Bogie said, "...of all the gin joints in all the world..."

We all have our routines. Some of us get paid to put them on stage...some just muddle through them day in and day out just to someday achieve thier semblance of happiness. Of late, mine has been a combination of both. I love performing! I am an attention whore, I fully admit that. Any time I can get on a stage and find a vein to pump full of that syringe we call comedy...I am there! Unfortunately, not much has really inspired me to create new material. You know...the same shtick, different costume. One would say I had blinders on...as a matter of fact, one did.

Then came the Bawdy Island Beach Party, Wednesday, March 21, 2007 at the DNA Lounge.

I had all the highest hopes for the show. The rehearsal the night before even led me to beleive that it was going to be better than usual. The band sounded tight...the acts that rehearsed were hot, etc... I was going to debut a new act from a character created in the previous version of this show plus try something I had never attempted...Piracy!

Now, this is not a review of the show, but rather a recolletion of events that led to a very serendipitous moment. As a matter of fact, the show only went to further a case I pointed out in a previous blog...Burlesque is DEAD!

Timelapse sequence...boobs, boobs, boobs, fat man slapping his stomach, boobs...etc.

The show is over...I am spent! I head outside for a much needed smoke.

Standing alone, on the curb...over my right shoulder a voice says, "don't stand there and smoke alone...come smoke with me". I turn and see a woman leaning against the wall. Very independent, very inviting. I join her...we chit chat. She is from Utah. Mormon jokes come spewing from my mouth. She snaps back that she is on a mission here. She's got SASS! We return inside.

She asks me to dance.

Now, for those of you who truly know me know that I DO NOT DANCE!

I leap to the dance floor controlled by this muse from Utah. "Twirl me". I do. "Dip me". I do

Completely Captivated!

We danced all night until her date wanted to leave. Date? What date? Oh yeah, that guy. See, I had selfishly overlooked the fact that she was there with two other people. Oh, I made nice...bought drinks...allowed him to try his best to outdance me, but completely wrote him off as a nebbish. She asks me to take her number and call her the next day..."I am going back to Utah on Friday". SHIT!!!!

Ok...that is the evening in a nutshell. Two random people from totally diferent walks of life. One night. One show. One cigarette. One dance. Serendipity!

"....of all the gin joints in all the world..."

(By the way, I called the next day. We had the best First Date in the history of Dating!)

More to come...

Low Down on a Horrible Hoe Down

2007-03-29T22:34:00.000-07:00

So I had a random, Mid-Afternoon gig today. I was hired to do a little magic at a company party in Richmond. Two hours...No Biggie!

It's a Cowboy themed, BBQ event. I show up...2:00pm and people are hammered...Budweiser mind you, but they are quite tipsy. Everyone is eating...frivolity is in the air. I start my shtick...hopping from group to group making my major modern miracles happen in the palms of the peoples wanting hands.

All is going so well, until...

The CEO walks up to the dais and taps the mic...then clears his throat. Visibly shaken, a tear rolls down his cheek. "You have all been Fantastic employees...that is why is kills me to say..."

The room is hushed....

"We are closing this Campus...you all have 24 hours to clear out your personal spaces and vacate the premises...severance checks will be handed to you when you exit the building."

I mean...it was just like in M*A*S*H*, when Radar came in to announce that "Lt. Colonel Henry Blake's plane was shot down over the Sea of Japan...there were no survivors".

Now...I have performed at thousands of events. I have NEVER had this happen.

To make matters worse...this happened at 3:00pm. I STILL HAD AN HOUR AND A HALF OF PERFORMING TO DO!!!

Needless to say, NO ONE was interested in seeing a Big, Fat Cowboy Magician pull a card from his crotch.

Unbelievable!!!

I just realized I am "That guy"!!!

2007-01-22T16:49:00.000-08:00

I am That Guy who fears nothing.
I am That Guy who you think about...but rarely call, just to say hi.
I am That Guy who carries ywo Cell Phones.
I am That Guy who will enter an "All You Can Eat" contest.
I am That Guy who has no censors.
I am That Guy who always gives 110% no matter what.
I am That Guy really like being alone.
I am That Guy that likes to color...alot!
I am That Guy when you say "oh my God, he didn't"...usually refers to me.
I am That Guy that has 119 Dr.'s Bags
I am That Guy who is terrible at returning phone calls.
I am That Guy will "Gay it up" for better service.
I am That Guy who is very selfish.
I am That Guy who can cook anything.
I am That Guy can disappear in a crowd.
I am That Guy lie than disappoint.
I am That Guy who internalizes way too much.
I am That Guy who doesn't believe in God.
I am That Guy leaves early.
I am That Guy shows up on time.
I am That Guy who owns leather pants.
I am That Guy wears size 16 pumps.
I am That Guy who can name any voice he hears in a commercial.
I am That Guy that read "Horton hears a who" at age 3.
I am That Guy who fucked up your curve in High School.
I am That Guy who did a lot of stuff in the past...with regrets.
I am That Guy who'll face death for my friends.
I am That Guy who is afraid of spiders.
I am That Guy you want your parents to meet.
I am That Guy you don't want to introduce to your sister.
I am That Guy you forget to call when you have an extra ticket to the Rev.
I am That Guy that doesn't understand bisexuality. Pick one dammit!
I am That Guy who laughs at innappropriate times.
I am That Guy who wants immigration reform.
I am That Guy who dislikes receiving oral sex.
I am That Guy who lost 2 girlfriends to "the other team".
I am That Guy who will spend his last dime making others happy.
I am That Guy who Southwest deems "Too Large for one seat".
I am That Guy who had a gambling problem.
I am That Guy who went to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting at Sizzler.
I am That Guy who dated a 54 year old woman when I was 23.
I am That Guy who forged his roomates name on a check.
I am That Guy ...

Feel free to add on...

Ladies & Gentlemen...Boys & Girls...

2006-11-13T21:07:00.000-08:00

Okley Dokley...

I am 36 hours into being a NON Smoker!

Not as bad as I thought it would be. Got the Patch....and all is working fine. Can't form cogent sentences without MUCH concentration!

I am a NON Smoker!

Hair Today...Gone Tomorrow?!?!?!

2006-06-06T07:50:00.000-07:00

Monday nights are great! The rebroadcast of Sopranos and Big Love...in case I missed em on Sunday night. All you can Eat Pizza at Goat Hill. What could be better?

Seems I hadn't been to GH in a while. Also seems I forgot to tell people that I am growing my hair back in preparation for a Hair Replacement System. It seems that the days of the Fat, Bald and Goatee'd tough guy are gone. So I decided to try Fat, Coiffed and Clean Shaven Look for a while.

Boy, people don't hold back when it comes to folicles, be it facial or atop your pate. I got every response from "Didn't recognize you"...to "God, you look old". Kinda makes a man think..."Do I go back...or do I push forward"?

Even My posse online...yes, I have a posse (Cowboy, remember?) has put thier two cents worth in:

illinilisa@aol.com said:
and i must admit: i normally do not like facial hair, but you do look damn great with your little goatie thing in all your black and whites
illinilisa@aol.com said:
just a sidenote

I am so conflicted!!! So, let's see how many people actually read this goddamn thing?

I'm taking a poll...should you even care what I look like, your answer will be tabulated and much like Kathy Griffin, I will do what you vote for. Below are your options:

1. Back to Shaved Head and Goatee

2. Hair and Clean Shaven?

3. Hair and Toupee and Clean Shaven

OK folks, it is now in your lap...

I breathlessly await your decisions...

Until next time...

God and Booze!!!

2006-06-05T07:30:00.000-07:00

So last night we had a little cast party for all of us that were in Creepshow Peepshow - "The show so scary even the cast craps its pants!" I cooked mounds of beef and some of the best goddamned Potato Gratin I have ever put a scald on.

The Regulars showed up...and Pat & Gina we the ever-hospitable Hosts. Kingfish lagged and got there late...WITH ALL THE BOOZE!

Made me think...GAWD I have hot friends!!!

Monique - Amazon Hot!
Gina - Makes out with ya when she's drunk Hot!
Theresa - Married a Polack but we won't hold that against you Hot!
Melanine - Going Camping is code for Anal Sex Hot!
Minx - Blood curdlingHot!
Margo - Veronica Lake meets Elvira Hot!
Eerie - The woman is funny no matter what Jim says about her and she snorts Hot!
Roxy Shocks - So Hot that we talk about how Hot you are even when you're not there Hot!
Nana - Psychobilly Pink Bass Hot!

Anyway, I digress. We sat through the pain that was the video...and you could see the exact moment when I crapped my pants.

The Video also proved a fact from an earlier Blog...Burlesque is DEAD! Originality is the key...do not allow yourselves to repeat a theme or idea you may have seen! FUCK!!

OK...busy week. Gotta rent them Bulls!

Until next time...

"a little piece of me dies when you're around"

2006-06-02T17:12:00.000-07:00

Ok...so it's been a while. After much urging from Doctor Popular, I am back in the saddle and got my quill sharpened up for what I call..."a little piece of me dies when you're around".

Where to start? Well, since my last blog...I opened and closed my very own show at the Plush Room here in San Francisco. Dirty Little Secret ran exactly one year and recieved kudos from all who attended. It had a fucking great cast and some of the best goddamned musicians money can buy in San Francisco backing us up. I do hope to reopen some semblance of DLS in the very near future...I will keep you posted.

Burlesque is dead! There, I said it! Folks I may not know much...but I do know what I like. DLS was a tight ship...it ran like clockwork or a well oiled machine! Having been in several other shows, I may sound a little biased, but I presented a good goddamn show. Even YELP-ers have said so... Read thier reviews here.

Unfortunately the state of burlesque is dwindling. There are some good shows...Little Minsky's, Creepshow Peepshow, etc...but the days when acts blew your mind are few and far between. Roxy Shocks ROCKS! Living Dead Girls make me crap my pants! (More about that later) The Flying Fox is Dreamy! But almost everything else seems to be a rehash of shit we have already seen. Don't get me started on the names people choose. If I see another Von Whatever or Blah Blah La Rue...I am going to climb the nearest clocktower and start sniping!

Don't get me wrong...I am by no means an expert on Burlesque...but I am pretty keen on producing a quality product, be it a bit, act or show. If performers put as much time in thier acts as they do talking about them...we might have a start to a change.

OK...enough on that, for now.

As many of you know, I run a couple of Online Businesses. If you didn't, here they are:
WildWestPerformers.com
MechanicalBullAssociation.com

Yes, that's right...I'm a cowboy. I do Cowboy Magic and Book Mechanical Bulls. It is truly amazing how many people rent these behemoth's. It is also amazing how fucking dumb some of the people who call up are. "Yeah, my daughter's turning 3...I want a mechanical bull." People...get a clue, you must be this tall to ride this ride!!!

Anyway, the former has been taking me out of town for the usual corporate gigs rather frequently. I get to see the heart of America one hotel at a time! I dig it...I actually like travelling. That's all I got to say about that.

Since I last Blogged...I was in a film, did a couple of shows...went to jail...and devised some new food groups for the food pyramid.

In March of 2005 I did my first and possibly last nude scene in a flick. The Darwin Awards was written, produced and directed by Finn Taylor. A VERY brave man. Just look for the German Shower Guy...that's me in all my glory. It went to Sundance and was picked up by Warner Bros., I believe...so check it!

Fast Forward through 2005...NOTHING happened, I swear!

Ah...2006!

Oh wait...back to 2005. I went to Singapore for 24 days over the Xmas Holiday. I was doing my Wild West Show there. GOD, I LOVE Singapore! I spent 700.00 on a Digital Camera...didn't take a fucking picture! It was 90 degrees and 100% humidity every single day there. I drank...ate and whored. Nuff said!

Ah...2006!

This year started of great and has only got better!

One of the Highlights/Lowlights of 2006 was Uncle Jimbeaux's Creepshow Peepshow. What a fun friggin show! Think 70's Slasher Films meets Burlesque. Blood and Boobs! I played Suzin Cuzzin. The younger and simpler of the Cuzzin Brothers. Me and Brochius stormed the stage with chainsaws a blarin....

All was well and good until the Living Dead Girls came onstage to close the show. You see, they had asked me to help hoist a girl up in the air using a block and tackle. Me being the brawny brute that I am said sure. We rehearsed it that dau...she wore a Mountian climbers harness...all was right in the world! Then came showtime. They are doing thier bit...thier stage manager is standing behind Brochius and I to cue us. She comes to the back of the stage...I hand her the caribiner to lock into...I realize she doesn't have her harness on...I turn to the stage manager and sya something to the effect of..."where's her fucking harness?" "Don't worry...she's got it". So I am thinking it is under her clothes...and what a great job she did hiding it.Got the cue to lift...and OH MY FUCKING GAWD...the little evil wench has FOUR giant FISHHOOKS through her FUCKING back!!!! Needless to say, I am a little perplexed!

I do what I was supposed to do...up...down...up...then I am to lower her for the final time. Now she is 10 feet in the air hanging by FUCKING FISHHOOKS, and I am lowering her...Seems she cut herself free...WITHOUT telling me she was going to do so...THEN...SHE FALLS TO THE FLOOR! It was at this point that I crapped my pants...Literally! I shit my pants. Yes, Poo Akimbo! I thought we had ripped through her back.

I freak...Turn To Eddie/Brochius...he's looking at me as if I am having a heart attack...which I think I did....all the while the steamy brown goodness of me is creating a cushion that I dare not sit on!

I am pissed...for 2 reasons...1. I would have liked to have known that was going to happen...2. I JUST SHIT MY PANTS!!!! Albeit, that is not the first time anyone has shit thier pants at DNA.

The above occurence has proven to be great fodder for my "friends", and the Byline for the next show..."A show so scary even the cast shits its pants".

With that being said...2006 has shped up to be pretty damned good.

OH CRAP!!! Doctor Popular...the reason I started to Blog again...has just sent me Pictures he had taken at a Photo Studio in the mission...Holy Fuck...I LOVE THIS GUY!!!

Until next time...

Sean...my whining, needy friend

2005-02-16T12:07:00.000-08:00

Ok...so...my friend Sean called today and asked why he wasn't in any of my blogs.

So here it is...

Sean Olivier - Whiney Boy

Are ya Happy?

Thanks Carnac!

2005-01-23T13:57:00.000-08:00

Hey Kids,

I know it has been a while since my last post...I do apologize. What can I say...I just was laggin'!

Anyway, I woke up this morning to the TV blaring the reports that Icon Johnny Carson had passed. Flurries of thoughts went through my head, but most prevalent was my immense respect and adoration for the man.

I can remember being 9 or 10 and hiding behind the sofa...way after bedtime...to listen to the Tonight Show. I thought I was being sneaky gettin to watch what all the adults watched when we little ones hit the hay. Inevitably, I would laugh or chuckle during the monologue and get caught...back off to bed! Incredibly, my dad would turn the volume up on the TV so I could hear it from my room. As I lay there, my head would fill with dreams of being on the couch...next to Ed, Burt Reynolds, Farah Fawcett and the Amazing Kreskin...being interviewed by Johnny as being the only kid in the world who was allowed to "Listen" to the Tonight Show. Farah would give me a peck on the cheek, Ed gave me a can of Alpo...and after the show, Burt took me for a ride in that black Trans Am that he drove in Smokey and the Bandit. OK, so I had an active imagination.

It wasn't until I was 13 or 14 that I realized how amazing Johnny really was. He was NEVER rude...except in talking about one of his many ex wives. He was the most ingratiating Listener I have ever witnessed. From the little old lady who just turned 100 to the guy who was supposed to bring his trained parakeet on the show (unfortunately, the night before...in his hotel room, he rolled over in bed...only to flatten th parakeet like roadkill). Johnny listened. He didn't try to one up the guests. He didn't make everything a joke. But, when the opportunity arose...he would slip in a zinger, completely off the cuff...and we would roll.

Who could forget Drew Carey being asked over to the couch after his set? Or George Carlin doing the "Hippie Dippy Weatherman"? Or, that last night...Bette Midler..."one more for my baby"...camera pans...Johnny is in tears...instantly...so are we!

In my humble opinion...there are a handful of Icons that will be remembered as fondly as Johnny. Will Rogers, Bob Hope, and George Burns...you have just been sent your 4th Muskateer.

Midgets, Midgets, Midgets!!!

2004-10-28T13:24:00.000-07:00

So I have realized that I indeed have a new passion. Mexican Luchadore Wrestling!!!

Last night, I met up with the Kids from the Va Va Voom Room and we all went to Lucha VaVoom. Lemme explain...it is the subtle and understated combination of Mexican Wrestling and Olde Timey Burlesque. What a friggin' concept...pure GENIUS!

It was a Hoot! The whole shebang(sorry William Hung...this word was in my vocabulary long before you made it a religion) was color commentaried by Blaine Capatch and Patton Oswald. The tone was set when these two misfits of comedy took the stage...um ring...uh...Squared Circle. Blaine was Blaine...what else can be said? Patton was loaded...utterly inebriated. So, seeing that...and me being the complete degenrate that I am...set out to see fit that his glass was never empty. As we all know, there is nothing funnier than a wee little man, out of his gourd! Well, needless to say, I too went to the Church of the Tipping Bottle.

From what I can recall, the Wrestling was how do you say...in need of and acting coach. The Dames...oh my! Always a crowd pleaser!

Then came the midgets! Holy Crap! I got into it! The smallest of the 4 was Suki...he made Patton look like Andre the Giant...was gettin the crap beat outta him. I was drunk and pissed and so wanted to jump in the ring and save him. Then it hit me...my new calling...El Gigante...the World's Tallest Dwarf. I could do it. I could actually be a Luchadore. I own the spandex already...I gots the fire in my belly. What more do I need? So, if you are a manager of Luchadores...CALL ME!

Big News in my little corner of the world...

2004-10-01T14:02:00.000-07:00

So, what an exciting month September was! I turned 35...Thought I'd never make it! Coors Light wants to reinstate a National I did for them last year, Cha-Ching. I did a National Sprint Commercial...And got the money shot(again, Cha-Ching)! My best friend Doug got married to the coolest girl in the world. Some Crackhead tried to mug me in L.A., he swathed a nasty gash in my hand. The Va Va Voom Room re-opens after a month's hiatus.

So...My mother always said I'd never live to 13...And here I am, 35 yrs young. 22 years past my expiration date, go figure! My original plan was to hit Vegas like the reincarnation of Frank, Sammy and Dean...Ring-a-Ding-Ding, baby! Unfortunately, all of my compatriots were lowcash at the time, so I opted for Pizza and Beer and of course, "party favors". Great people showed up, good times were had by all...Or if they weren't, my friends used their better judgment and did not tell me otherwise.

"Hey RJ, I'm Calling to get your sizes for the Sprint Commercial". That is how I found out that I had booked the gig. Not a call from my agent, no...but a call from the wardrobe supervisor. As a matter of fact, I was the first to tell my agent that I had booked the gig. "One of these things is not like the other..." Needless to say, I was still pretty damned ecstatic! The shoot was scheduled for Saturday, the 18th...the same night as my friend Doug's wedding rehearsal dinner. Now I figured...8 hours...starting at 6:30 am...done in plenty of time to get to Monterey. No such luck! My car died. I had no way of getting my fat ass down to the wedding. Luckily, Doug said he'd come up and get me. Perfect, I'll be done by 3:30 or so...pick me up and we'll make it in plenty of time. Well, the shoot went long...way long...Anyway...more about that below. On to the shoot. It was great, the typical shit...trailer, crafts services, hot extras, craft services, hot wardrobe and make-up chicks, craft services...did I mention craft services? The other principals we really cool. Robert, the other big guy, and I had worked a gig together before and we had a rapport. We sat around for a couple of hours in and out of make-up and wardrobe and finally got called to the set. It is a tailgating spot, so there were grills and girls everywhere...awesome! They had us man the hero area and go about tailgating...which was not a problem. It was a weird shoot though...there were lines, but no one specific principal had any one line. The director gave all of us the lines and said she would point to us when it was time to speak. Ok...for those of you that do not know...this is very odd! Then the Sprint Guy comes rolling in on this ultra cool bus and tells us that Sprint is no longer charging for overages...woo hoo! Now, Brian.....the Sprint Guy wasn't feeding us his lines yet. We had this little troll of a stand-up comedian(who looked an awful lot like Bud Bundy) feeding us reaction lines. They were either reaction lines, or he was trying out new material for his gig at the PunchLine...still not sure. Ok...so we Pavloved our lines as directed and broke for lunch. It was then that I found out the reason for the weirdness of the mornings activities. It seems that the Client(Sprint) was there, as well as the Ad Agency and they were looking at all 6 of the principals to see which one of us would contrast Brian(the Sprint Guy) the best. NOTHING says contrast like a Big, Fat, Bald Guy! Needless to say, I got the money shot and a dialogue with Brian. Pretty Cool! (Note: The Ad has started airing as of yesterday 09/30/04...11 days pretty damned fast!)

My oldest friend Doug Got married on the 19th. Much against my complete abhorring of that institute, I was in his wedding party. So, ordered the tux...picked it up...noticed the shirt was the wrong color and the vest was way too small. I had them reorder them and ship em down to the Monterey Store, where Doug was getting hitched. Two days before Doug's wedding I book a National Sprint Commercial...to shoot the day before his wedding. I, being the whore I am, took the gig and thought nothing of the time constraints. Well, long story even longer...my car died...I had to Greyhound it down to Monterey...8 hours before the wedding. The day of the wedding...1 hour until, to be exact we swung by the tux shop to pick up my shirt and vest. Good news first...the shirt was the right color...Bad news...the vest was white, not "apple" as I had ordered. Well, I came unglued...actually, I re-enacted a scene from the bus the night before...ripped a vest off of a mannequin that was the right color and said..."I will make this work!" How, I did not know. So we are driving, a la Mr. Toad's Wild Ride towards Carmel and I am trying to Macguyver this friggin medium vest to fit my 4X body. My Kingdom for a wad of gum and some baling wire! I decided that I was gonna slit it up the back and tie it to my body. It worked...however, I had to walk all stooped over as to make it appear like Doug and Scott's. I figured I could pull it off for the ceremony...as long as we didn't tell Serena(Doug's Fiance). Saints be praised...it worked! Best goddamned acting job of my career! I was able to take it off at the reception, THANK YOU JEBUS! OK, the reception was another story. Let me give you a little backstory. Doug's family - middle America, white bread family with skeletons in the closet. Serena's Family - complete and traditional Mandarin Chinese. Oil and Water. Serena had Doug give me the "talk" about minding my P's and Q's as not to upset her family. I was taken aback! Did she really think I was as uncouth as a typical Springer guest? I pride myself in being able to control my behavior when necessary. And I did, much to the chagrin of Doug's extended family. I guess they were all expecting me to do origami with my penis or something. They kept feeding me copious amounts of alcohol in hopes that I would "loosen up" a bit. Alas, decorum took over and I was a model wedding guest...but there is always next time!

L.A., I hardly knew ye...

So I was in L.A. auditioning yet again. I really like being a big fish in a small pond here in San Francisco! Anyway, stayed at a seedy Super 8 in downtown H'wood. It was late, and I had a bottle of Jameson's that was in desperate need of attention...and ice. I strolled to the ice machine down the balcony...as I approached, this little crackhead jumps out from behind the machine with a knife and demands my money. I let him know that I was as broke as him..to which he responded with the usual aplomb. The little bastard swiped his knife in my direction and in defending my money-making face, I put up my hands. He got me...right across the right palm. 4 inches long, but not too deep. Again, thank you Jebus! He ran...I screamed an ungodly amount of expletives in his direction...got my ice and headed back to my room. Packed the cut full of Neosporin and Superglue, and waited till I came home to see my Doc. All is well, now...but I got a great scar!

The Va Va Voom Room re-opens tonight! Woohoo...love this show. How many Magicians get to say they get to try out new shit and perform it every week? It really keeps one on his toes! If you don't know what the show is...here goes. It is Olde Time Vaudeville and Burlesque. It is a hoot! Me and a bunch of strippers...what more could I ask for? Seriously, for more info go to www.vavavoomroom.com.

Well, that recaps September for ya. Stay tuned for more.

Until next time, I'll see you in the Funny Pages...