This month's word...Serendipity!

ser·en·dip·i·ty

–noun
1. an aptitude for making desirable discoveries by accident.
2. good fortune; luck

Call it what you will...Serendipity...Kismet...Fate...Luck...Good Fortune...they all have roughly the same meaning.

That meaning has never been so evident to me than in the past few weeks.

(Cautionary Note - in the following lines I will wax poetic!)

As Bogie said, "...of all the gin joints in all the world..."

We all have our routines. Some of us get paid to put them on stage...some just muddle through them day in and day out just to someday achieve thier semblance of happiness. Of late, mine has been a combination of both. I love performing! I am an attention whore, I fully admit that. Any time I can get on a stage and find a vein to pump full of that syringe we call comedy...I am there! Unfortunately, not much has really inspired me to create new material. You know...the same shtick, different costume. One would say I had blinders on...as a matter of fact, one did.

Then came the Bawdy Island Beach Party, Wednesday, March 21, 2007 at the DNA Lounge.

I had all the highest hopes for the show. The rehearsal the night before even led me to beleive that it was going to be better than usual. The band sounded tight...the acts that rehearsed were hot, etc... I was going to debut a new act from a character created in the previous version of this show plus try something I had never attempted...Piracy!

Now, this is not a review of the show, but rather a recolletion of events that led to a very serendipitous moment. As a matter of fact, the show only went to further a case I pointed out in a previous blog...Burlesque is DEAD!

Timelapse sequence...boobs, boobs, boobs, fat man slapping his stomach, boobs...etc.

The show is over...I am spent! I head outside for a much needed smoke.

Standing alone, on the curb...over my right shoulder a voice says, "don't stand there and smoke alone...come smoke with me". I turn and see a woman leaning against the wall. Very independent, very inviting. I join her...we chit chat. She is from Utah. Mormon jokes come spewing from my mouth. She snaps back that she is on a mission here. She's got SASS! We return inside.

She asks me to dance.

Now, for those of you who truly know me know that I DO NOT DANCE!

I leap to the dance floor controlled by this muse from Utah. "Twirl me". I do. "Dip me". I do

Completely Captivated!

We danced all night until her date wanted to leave. Date? What date? Oh yeah, that guy. See, I had selfishly overlooked the fact that she was there with two other people. Oh, I made nice...bought drinks...allowed him to try his best to outdance me, but completely wrote him off as a nebbish. She asks me to take her number and call her the next day..."I am going back to Utah on Friday". SHIT!!!!

Ok...that is the evening in a nutshell. Two random people from totally diferent walks of life. One night. One show. One cigarette. One dance. Serendipity!

"....of all the gin joints in all the world..."

(By the way, I called the next day. We had the best First Date in the history of Dating!)

More to come...

Low Down on a Horrible Hoe Down

So I had a random, Mid-Afternoon gig today. I was hired to do a little magic at a company party in Richmond. Two hours...No Biggie!

It's a Cowboy themed, BBQ event. I show up...2:00pm and people are hammered...Budweiser mind you, but they are quite tipsy. Everyone is eating...frivolity is in the air. I start my shtick...hopping from group to group making my major modern miracles happen in the palms of the peoples wanting hands.

All is going so well, until...

The CEO walks up to the dais and taps the mic...then clears his throat. Visibly shaken, a tear rolls down his cheek. "You have all been Fantastic employees...that is why is kills me to say..."

The room is hushed....

"We are closing this Campus...you all have 24 hours to clear out your personal spaces and vacate the premises...severance checks will be handed to you when you exit the building."

I mean...it was just like in M*A*S*H*, when Radar came in to announce that "Lt. Colonel Henry Blake's plane was shot down over the Sea of Japan...there were no survivors".

Now...I have performed at thousands of events. I have NEVER had this happen.

To make matters worse...this happened at 3:00pm. I STILL HAD AN HOUR AND A HALF OF PERFORMING TO DO!!!

Needless to say, NO ONE was interested in seeing a Big, Fat Cowboy Magician pull a card from his crotch.

Unbelievable!!!

I just realized I am "That guy"!!!

I am That Guy who fears nothing.
I am That Guy who you think about...but rarely call, just to say hi.
I am That Guy who carries ywo Cell Phones.
I am That Guy who will enter an "All You Can Eat" contest.
I am That Guy who has no censors.
I am That Guy who always gives 110% no matter what.
I am That Guy really like being alone.
I am That Guy that likes to color...alot!
I am That Guy when you say "oh my God, he didn't"...usually refers to me.
I am That Guy that has 119 Dr.'s Bags
I am That Guy who is terrible at returning phone calls.
I am That Guy will "Gay it up" for better service.
I am That Guy who is very selfish.
I am That Guy who can cook anything.
I am That Guy can disappear in a crowd.
I am That Guy lie than disappoint.
I am That Guy who internalizes way too much.
I am That Guy who doesn't believe in God.
I am That Guy leaves early.
I am That Guy shows up on time.
I am That Guy who owns leather pants.
I am That Guy wears size 16 pumps.
I am That Guy who can name any voice he hears in a commercial.
I am That Guy that read "Horton hears a who" at age 3.
I am That Guy who fucked up your curve in High School.
I am That Guy who did a lot of stuff in the past...with regrets.
I am That Guy who'll face death for my friends.
I am That Guy who is afraid of spiders.
I am That Guy you want your parents to meet.
I am That Guy you don't want to introduce to your sister.
I am That Guy you forget to call when you have an extra ticket to the Rev.
I am That Guy that doesn't understand bisexuality. Pick one dammit!
I am That Guy who laughs at innappropriate times.
I am That Guy who wants immigration reform.
I am That Guy who dislikes receiving oral sex.
I am That Guy who lost 2 girlfriends to "the other team".
I am That Guy who will spend his last dime making others happy.
I am That Guy who Southwest deems "Too Large for one seat".
I am That Guy who had a gambling problem.
I am That Guy who went to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting at Sizzler.
I am That Guy who dated a 54 year old woman when I was 23.
I am That Guy who forged his roomates name on a check.
I am That Guy ...

Feel free to add on...

Ladies & Gentlemen...Boys & Girls...

Okley Dokley...

I am 36 hours into being a NON Smoker!

Not as bad as I thought it would be. Got the Patch....and all is working fine. Can't form cogent sentences without MUCH concentration!

I am a NON Smoker!

Hair Today...Gone Tomorrow?!?!?!

Monday nights are great! The rebroadcast of Sopranos and Big Love...in case I missed em on Sunday night. All you can Eat Pizza at Goat Hill. What could be better?

Seems I hadn't been to GH in a while. Also seems I forgot to tell people that I am growing my hair back in preparation for a Hair Replacement System. It seems that the days of the Fat, Bald and Goatee'd tough guy are gone. So I decided to try Fat, Coiffed and Clean Shaven Look for a while.

Boy, people don't hold back when it comes to folicles, be it facial or atop your pate. I got every response from "Didn't recognize you"...to "God, you look old". Kinda makes a man think..."Do I go back...or do I push forward"?

Even My posse online...yes, I have a posse (Cowboy, remember?) has put thier two cents worth in:

illinilisa@aol.com said:
and i must admit: i normally do not like facial hair, but you do look damn great with your little goatie thing in all your black and whites
illinilisa@aol.com said:
just a sidenote

I am so conflicted!!! So, let's see how many people actually read this goddamn thing?

I'm taking a poll...should you even care what I look like, your answer will be tabulated and much like Kathy Griffin, I will do what you vote for. Below are your options:

1. Back to Shaved Head and Goatee

2. Hair and Clean Shaven?

3. Hair and Toupee and Clean Shaven

OK folks, it is now in your lap...

I breathlessly await your decisions...

Until next time...

God and Booze!!!

So last night we had a little cast party for all of us that were in Creepshow Peepshow - "The show so scary even the cast craps its pants!" I cooked mounds of beef and some of the best goddamned Potato Gratin I have ever put a scald on.

The Regulars showed up...and Pat & Gina we the ever-hospitable Hosts. Kingfish lagged and got there late...WITH ALL THE BOOZE!

Made me think...GAWD I have hot friends!!!

Monique - Amazon Hot!
Gina - Makes out with ya when she's drunk Hot!
Theresa - Married a Polack but we won't hold that against you Hot!
Melanine - Going Camping is code for Anal Sex Hot!
Minx - Blood curdlingHot!
Margo - Veronica Lake meets Elvira Hot!
Eerie - The woman is funny no matter what Jim says about her and she snorts Hot!
Roxy Shocks - So Hot that we talk about how Hot you are even when you're not there Hot!
Nana - Psychobilly Pink Bass Hot!

Anyway, I digress. We sat through the pain that was the video...and you could see the exact moment when I crapped my pants.

The Video also proved a fact from an earlier Blog...Burlesque is DEAD! Originality is the key...do not allow yourselves to repeat a theme or idea you may have seen! FUCK!!

OK...busy week. Gotta rent them Bulls!

Until next time...

"a little piece of me dies when you're around"

Ok...so it's been a while. After much urging from Doctor Popular, I am back in the saddle and got my quill sharpened up for what I call..."a little piece of me dies when you're around".

Where to start? Well, since my last blog...I opened and closed my very own show at the Plush Room here in San Francisco. Dirty Little Secret ran exactly one year and recieved kudos from all who attended. It had a fucking great cast and some of the best goddamned musicians money can buy in San Francisco backing us up. I do hope to reopen some semblance of DLS in the very near future...I will keep you posted.

Burlesque is dead! There, I said it! Folks I may not know much...but I do know what I like. DLS was a tight ship...it ran like clockwork or a well oiled machine! Having been in several other shows, I may sound a little biased, but I presented a good goddamn show. Even YELP-ers have said so... Read thier reviews here.

Unfortunately the state of burlesque is dwindling. There are some good shows...Little Minsky's, Creepshow Peepshow, etc...but the days when acts blew your mind are few and far between. Roxy Shocks ROCKS! Living Dead Girls make me crap my pants! (More about that later) The Flying Fox is Dreamy! But almost everything else seems to be a rehash of shit we have already seen. Don't get me started on the names people choose. If I see another Von Whatever or Blah Blah La Rue...I am going to climb the nearest clocktower and start sniping!

Don't get me wrong...I am by no means an expert on Burlesque...but I am pretty keen on producing a quality product, be it a bit, act or show. If performers put as much time in thier acts as they do talking about them...we might have a start to a change.

OK...enough on that, for now.

As many of you know, I run a couple of Online Businesses. If you didn't, here they are:
WildWestPerformers.com
MechanicalBullAssociation.com

Yes, that's right...I'm a cowboy. I do Cowboy Magic and Book Mechanical Bulls. It is truly amazing how many people rent these behemoth's. It is also amazing how fucking dumb some of the people who call up are. "Yeah, my daughter's turning 3...I want a mechanical bull." People...get a clue, you must be this tall to ride this ride!!!

Anyway, the former has been taking me out of town for the usual corporate gigs rather frequently. I get to see the heart of America one hotel at a time! I dig it...I actually like travelling. That's all I got to say about that.

Since I last Blogged...I was in a film, did a couple of shows...went to jail...and devised some new food groups for the food pyramid.

In March of 2005 I did my first and possibly last nude scene in a flick. The Darwin Awards was written, produced and directed by Finn Taylor. A VERY brave man. Just look for the German Shower Guy...that's me in all my glory. It went to Sundance and was picked up by Warner Bros., I believe...so check it!

Fast Forward through 2005...NOTHING happened, I swear!

Ah...2006!

Oh wait...back to 2005. I went to Singapore for 24 days over the Xmas Holiday. I was doing my Wild West Show there. GOD, I LOVE Singapore! I spent 700.00 on a Digital Camera...didn't take a fucking picture! It was 90 degrees and 100% humidity every single day there. I drank...ate and whored. Nuff said!

Ah...2006!

This year started of great and has only got better!

One of the Highlights/Lowlights of 2006 was Uncle Jimbeaux's Creepshow Peepshow. What a fun friggin show! Think 70's Slasher Films meets Burlesque. Blood and Boobs! I played Suzin Cuzzin. The younger and simpler of the Cuzzin Brothers. Me and Brochius stormed the stage with chainsaws a blarin....

All was well and good until the Living Dead Girls came onstage to close the show. You see, they had asked me to help hoist a girl up in the air using a block and tackle. Me being the brawny brute that I am said sure. We rehearsed it that dau...she wore a Mountian climbers harness...all was right in the world! Then came showtime. They are doing thier bit...thier stage manager is standing behind Brochius and I to cue us. She comes to the back of the stage...I hand her the caribiner to lock into...I realize she doesn't have her harness on...I turn to the stage manager and sya something to the effect of..."where's her fucking harness?" "Don't worry...she's got it". So I am thinking it is under her clothes...and what a great job she did hiding it.Got the cue to lift...and OH MY FUCKING GAWD...the little evil wench has FOUR giant FISHHOOKS through her FUCKING back!!!! Needless to say, I am a little perplexed!

I do what I was supposed to do...up...down...up...then I am to lower her for the final time. Now she is 10 feet in the air hanging by FUCKING FISHHOOKS, and I am lowering her...Seems she cut herself free...WITHOUT telling me she was going to do so...THEN...SHE FALLS TO THE FLOOR! It was at this point that I crapped my pants...Literally! I shit my pants. Yes, Poo Akimbo! I thought we had ripped through her back.

I freak...Turn To Eddie/Brochius...he's looking at me as if I am having a heart attack...which I think I did....all the while the steamy brown goodness of me is creating a cushion that I dare not sit on!

I am pissed...for 2 reasons...1. I would have liked to have known that was going to happen...2. I JUST SHIT MY PANTS!!!! Albeit, that is not the first time anyone has shit thier pants at DNA.

The above occurence has proven to be great fodder for my "friends", and the Byline for the next show..."A show so scary even the cast shits its pants".

With that being said...2006 has shped up to be pretty damned good.

OH CRAP!!! Doctor Popular...the reason I started to Blog again...has just sent me Pictures he had taken at a Photo Studio in the mission...Holy Fuck...I LOVE THIS GUY!!!

Until next time...